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Monthly Archives: May 2012

i stuck to my guns this weekend and pushed back an offer of a way for someone else to take up my time, and spent the time on myself and my family instead.

at first i felt guilty; it’s hard sometimes for me to say ‘no’ to other people. i’m too eager to please others, to not let other people down, and in the process i guess i let myself down. or rather, i usually do. not this weekend. this weekend i stayed at home with my family. i doubt i was even missed at the engagement that i backed out of, whereas my family appreciated that i was there.

we hung out at the house, sunbathed in the back garden, enjoyed the sun, splashed in the water, ate good food cooked on the barbeque, and tickled our bare feet on the grass. the grass that we put down at Easter while it poured down with rain. and i know for a fact that i had an infinitely better time than if i’d gone off and done what had been planned for the day.

so it makes me think, next time i’m faced with something i have to do as opposed to something i want to do; will i fulfil the obligation to others, or be true to myself?

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eleven things i will do today.

1) finish my day’s worth of work in the first three hours and then spend the rest of the day thinking about other things.
2) take my sandwich and eat it outside in the sun instead of sitting indoors at lunchtime.
3) not do the hoovering. it’s too nice for that kind of housework.
4) sit in the back garden – newly turfed – and let the blades of grass tickle my feet.
5) buy some ice cream so we can have strawberries and ice cream whilst sitting in the garden.
6) let my son run around the garden with the hose to cool down like he did yesterday
7) not take any of the pregnancy tests that are in the bathroom cupboard because i have another three maybe four days to go before anything will show up
8) buy some charcoal because my other half has just bought a barbeque and we’re eating al fresco tonight.
9) read ‘the snail and the whale’ to my son while he falls asleep.
10) watch something good on TV when the sun has gone down.
11) go to bed happy.

today will be a good day.

at work i can hear the third line guys talking and the word that i hear over and over is the word ‘baselined’. they’re using it in an IT context; they’re talking documentation and servers and all that other stuff that should pique my interest because it’s what i’m supposed to be aspiring to, but it doesn’t, because i’m not. i hear the word ‘baselined’ and i hear it in a different context. something that i should have remembered, but had forgotten. and i’m not sure how i could have let myself forget it, but i did. when i hear the word ‘baselined’ i think back to maybe nine or ten months ago when i went in to see the doctor because i was exhausted all the time, had put on weight with no change of activity or diet, and felt generally unwell. and he felt my glands, felt around my abdomen, and then informed me that he was going to take some blood; he was going to request a test for CA-125. i didn’t know what that meant at the time but on googling it at home i was filled with fear and dread. my doctor was testing me for Ovarian Cancer. i looked up how serious it would be if it came back with a figure he’d be concerned about, and it wasn’t good. i went to work the next day, and looked through so many blogs written by women with Ovarian Cancer. and it scared me even more. i cried in the toilets, thinking about my life, thinking about my son and of how he wouldn’t understand why i wasn’t around anymore and of how i’d never see him grow up, and that he’d be ‘that kid’ in school. i sat at my desk thinking of how much of my life i’d wasted doing things i didn’t want to do, all the people who drained me, and i decided that from that day, regardless of how my tests came back the day after, i would get my life back on track. if the results were bad, then the work thing was a no-brainer. i’d spend all of the rest of my time with my son and husband and make as many good memories as icould for them. and If it came back all clear, i’d fix my situation. i’d start to make jewellery, like i’d been planning for years and years. i’d leave this job, or at least go part time. i’d have another child. i’d have a clean and tidy house. i’d get out of debt.

lucky for me, the results came back that i was ‘okay’, but the part that sticks in my head is that the doctor said that the tests had ‘baselined’ me. as though he wasn’t altogether convinced that this was the end of it all. that i wasn’t completely in the clear. i went away relieved but a little uneasy still about what had just happened.

i started doing more things to make my life better over the next few months. but somewhere along the way i forgot why i bought a load of silversmithing supplies, reorganised the dining room and its shelves and cupboards, reorganised the credit cards and started fixing my finances. i haven’t made anything in about six months now, though there are two or three projects floating about in my head.

hearing the guys using the word ‘baselined’ today has woken me up. i need to get back to living instead of drifting, which i’ve been doing for almost the whole of this year. so i’m setting myself a challenge for the next month:

1) to make one of the pieces of jewellery floating about in my head.
2) to get back onto the debt-busting horse.
3) to spend as much time with my son as he demands. even if it means turning off the laptop for a while when i’m writing something.

i think these things will make me happy.

i’ll let you know how I get on.

a few weeks ago i came to the realisation that some of the people who immediately come to mind when i think of the word ‘friend’ aren’t actually what i would consider to be friends anymore. and it’s sort of happened without me noticing. if i think back, i can pinpoint when this happened; it happened when i had a child. no, before then even: when i first told people i was pregnant. it seems as though from that point onwards, half of the people i know changed. some of the people i used to see every week have only seen my child once or twice; some wouldn’t have ever seen him had we not bumped into them on a Saturday afternoon a long time ago. and some have never seen him at all. and i’m sort of deciding from now on, to put those people to one side. if after four years they still haven’t come to terms with the fact that my other half and i have a child, then that’s up to them. if they’ve already written us off as our lives being over; again, up to them. i still have friends who accept that i have better things to do at a weekend than sleep off last night’s hangover. and they may live further away than i’d like, and i may see them only a few times a year; but the fact that they accept that i have a family now means a lot to me. the fact that when they invite us over they extend the invitation to my son, is worth more than the sum of all the others who don’t.

today when i was walking around the house a thought popped into my head: i’m happy. and it surprised me. not that i have too many things to be unhappy about or anything. life could be far worse than it is for me at the moment. it has been far worse in the past. but today, coming home from a three year old’s birthday party, putting the kettle on to make cups of tea, then taking the washing out of the machine to hang up on the maiden, i realised i was happy.

the feeling has been with me for a few days now. i don’t know if it’s because a few of my problems have sorted themselves out, or if they seem less significant because i’ve stopped worrying about everything so much these last few months. but i feel lighter at the moment. i’m not as worried about money as i always have been. work isn’t getting me down as much as it usually does. and i’m feeling optimistic about the future. i’ve been writing more, i’ve been getting time to read, and i’ve been planning what i’m going make when i get around to making it. i’m feeling optimistic, and calm, and not like my usual self at all.

the last time i was this happy, i was pregnant.

fingers crossed?