The Post You Never Want to Write…

i should have known earlier. i guess i kind of did. the pains in my abdomen, the ache in my back. the blood. the infertility. i should have made it clearer to my doctor. i shouldn’t have let myself be talked into it being something normal that losing a little bit of weight would fix. that it was just something to do with my age. i should have fought for more tests. i should have gone private sooner. i should have known.

i went into A&E a couple of weeks ago with the bleeding. the dr took away a sample and put me on medication and i didn’t hear anything back. but two weeks later i had a reaction to the medication and ended up back in A&E where they examined me for a second time. and a third time. and a fourth.

i have been diagnosed with Cervical Adenocarcinoma.

i have a tumour the size of an apricot. by my reckoning i’ve had it for maybe nine months, though it could be longer. i’ve had my MRI scan to see if it has spread. and i have another five days to go until i find out what stage it is at, what my treatments will be. what my chances of seeing my son grow up will be.

my heart is aching for my future with my son, but otherwise i feel calm. otherwise i feel numb. i see the people around me trying to make the best of it. telling me i have to think positive, telling me i can beat this. asking me how i feel. asking me if i’m okay.

and i guess i am. i am okay. right now. while i don’t know. while i can still think of this thing inside me as an isolated tumour that they can cut out. sure, it means no more children. there’s nothing they can do to save that.

i feel like i’m in a dream.

if i am, i want to wake up.


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