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Monthly Archives: December 2012

i should have written this post on monday, but i was having one of my ‘really tired days’ where i can barely move from my bed, let alone commit to getting the laptop out to type. i’ve been really tired for about two weeks now, since the post-chemo steroids ran out and i had to start living off my own reserves again – which i obviously have none of. hence my lack of posting, which i do actually feel guilty about even though i know i don’t have that many followers at all. to those of you who do follow me – thanks for bearing with me through this, i’m hoping to get back in the saddle again now the treatments are over with, for another six weeks at least.

the reason for my smile on monday was that i was nominated for a sunshine blog award by the lovely B at Rambles, rants and raves

sunshine-blog-award

sunshine-blog-award

this came completely out of the blue for me and had me not just smiling, but grinning inanely for quite a while – so first, thank you B, you made my day.

and so i’ve been thinking about the blogs i’ve been enjoying recently, and although i enjoy all of the people i follow (otherwise i wouldn’t be following you) these are the ones i would like to pass this award on to:

the first one is to Emma at Gargling with Vimto who inspired me to start writing in the first place and then to start a blog. she doesn’t write as much as she used to but she’s a very busy lady these days. I love her writing, and if you check out her older stuff you’ll find wonderful short stories, and things that will make you smile.

the second is to Emily at My Shitty Twenties here, and moving to here from, well, now. i found this blog through Emma’s and have read every post she’s made since. when i was at a computer every day i used to visit it every morning as part of my daily routine. it’s such an honest blog, and she writes beautifully about becoming a single parent in her twenties, and her life thereafter with her ever so charming little boy. it never fails to make me laugh and/or cry and i can’t wait for her book to come out because it’s going to be on my reading list.

the third is to Zanni at Heart Mama. some of the things she writes move me to tears and some of the things i connect with so much and so easily she could have taken the thoughts out of my head and put them on the page for me. i have freshly pressed to thank for introducing me to her blog.

the fourth is Jen at A Breath from the Breathing. another completely honest blog that i can relate to a lot. it’s not a parenting blog, it’s just a girl with her own insecurities, same as me. and i love it. i think this was another freshly pressed one – yep, another thank you to wordpress itself for bringing her into my life.

i’m adding a fifth too, because I couldn’t choose between this one and the last one. the fifth shout out is to Steph at Stephyness whose blog i love again because of it’s honesty and also, because she reminds me of me when i was maybe ten years younger. we even did the same a-levels when we should have done sciences. and no, mine haven’t resulted in a job anything related to them either.

so there we go. there are others i love reading but these are my picks for this time, and onto the questions.

1. What is your favourite 80s film and why?

this is a really hard one because i love most of the films made in the eighties. i’m thinking about the films i’d watch over and over again, even now. i love all of the brat pack/john hughes films obviously, and some of the more cheesy and random ones like teen witch and lucas which i guess weren’t so big; and then there’s footloose and mannequin and working girl and spacecamp, labyrinth and legend and willow and ladyhawke. i think i’m going to have to go with goonies though. as a kid i loved it. i know every word to it, pretty much. my husband bought it for me on dvd one time when i was sick and i can’t wait to be able to introduce my son to it in a couple of years from now.

2. If you could live in any fictional world, which one would it be?

i’m not really sure, most of the books i read are grounded in reality. i guess middle earth wouldn’t be so bad post sauron?

3. A time machine is invented, but a person can only take one trip. Do you go to the past or the future? Why?

i think about this, about time travel, way more than i should.

most of the time it’s kind of in a Being Erica way, of how it would be brilliant to do do-overs of parts of my life to cut this person out or to do better with something else. but then i start thinking, what if i couldn’t get back to having my family? what if i changed too much? what if i lost my son because of one tiny little thing? in reality if faced with it, right now, i’d wait until after my son’s play on tuesday and then go forward about a week; by then i should have healed a little more from my radiotherapy, and simple things won’t hurt.

that was the boring answer.

if it wouldn’t affect who i was married to and having had my son in the present time, i’d go back in time and space to 1980’s new york, go see all of the bands as they’re forming and playing at the A7 and Max’s and Danceteria. i’d try and have money, and buy up as much property as possible in what is now tribeca. of course i’d buy shares in apple when they came out too. so in real life now, i’d be wealthy and my son would have a better future.

4. How did you come up with the title of your blog?

I actually have a post about this here but here it is again: when me and my other half were trying for a baby – despite being in a large amount of debt – we started off relaxed about it. we justified trying to ourselves by saying ‘if it happens, it happens’, and when people asked when we were having another child, if we were planning to expand our family, we would tell them we were planning for an accident. the blog was supposed to be more about getting rid of the debt, and about getting pregnant which turned into not being able to get pregnant which turned into me having cancer. i’m still trying to find my way on here, so the title is still relevant – i’m still planning for accidents.

5. What is the most important item on your bucket list?

up until recently i didn’t even have a bucket list. there wasn’t much point because unless it was free, we just couldn’t afford it. there are actually two most important items right now, one for the body, both for the soul.

the first thing is a holiday. i need a holiday somewhere warm and sunny and far away so that i don’t have to think about what i’ve been through the past few months. and i want C to have a break. i want to give him the time away too. i’d love to go back to the mayan riviera, but that would probably be too far to take our son, who’s three at the moment, four in january. we’ll have to work on this one when i get my insurance money through. i hope it’s sooner rather than later.

the other thing that has been on a wishlist of sorts for a while, but i never thought i’d even be able to think about, is a paragon pmc mini kiln. i’d have to have it in either the turquoise, hot pink or purple because i don’t like things that are hot and those colours seem less intimidating than the standard industrial blue. again, when the insurance money comes through, i will have one of these in our back bedroom.

6. All’s fair in love and war. True or false?

true, for love at least. i’ve been hurt, and have hurt other people. you can’t always control who you fall in love with, and sometimes you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.

7. What is your go-to karaoke (or shower) song?

this varies from the theme tune to Jake and the Neverland Pirates, to a song i used to love, Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional, to Time after Time by Cyndi Lauper. all good shower songs.

8. Which sense could you live without?

I’ll have to agree with B and say smell, so long as i could still taste.

9. Would you rather be loved because you are needed or needed because you are loved?

needed because I am loved.

10. What do you really think of these blogging awards?

i think they’re brilliant. this is the first one i’ve been nominated for and i’m really grateful for it, it really cheered me up and made me feel like it hasn’t been pointless writing this thing for the last however many months – but as well as that, i’ve been going backwards and backwards kind of like in inception through all the previous nominee’s and their nominations and found some more wonderful writers to follow from that. it’s a great way to expand your circles and support the blogging community.

11. Where were you on your eleventh birthday?

gosh, i remember this one because it was awful. my mum and dad had told us, maybe a week before my birthday, that they were getting a divorce, and on my eleventh birthday i insisted that they both come with me to go around the Toy and Hobby just off Market Street in Manchester City centre where they were buying my gifts from and i think i even tried to get them to pretend they were still together for the day. which in retrospect is just a horrible thing to have done, because they hated each other and it must have been painful for both my dad who had just been dumped so to speak, by my mum who was fed up of his everyday abuse. i pretended on the day that i was fooled but i knew that it was awkward and i should have just let it go.

so, there we have it, i finally made this post after almost a week. took me two days to type too – but thank you B for the nomination, you really did make my day x

 

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My boy is back in the big bed between my husband and I, and after trying to hold him so close today for as long as he’d allow me to, there’s nowhere I’d rather he be.

I’ve cried a lot today. For the children and for their parents and families. And I can only imagine the devastation they must feel when I, a complete stranger an ocean away, is lying here heartbroken.

Is what I need.

The last few weeks of weekends have been a bit of a battle for me. I’m still on the steroids – just – on a very reduced amount. And so I can get about okay for the best part, and I’m completely alert all of the time. The trouble with this seems to be that it lull’s the other half, C into a false sense of security that I’m actually feeling like myself, when really, I’m anything but.

He see’s me up at 8am and thinks I’m good to go for the day, that I have the energy to look after our boy by myself; this being the boy that wants to be tickled and wants his breakfast bringing up to our room and then he has a cold, so I have to find the medicine. And C lies in the bed, eyes closed, ignoring my digs that he needs to wake up to help me out, ignoring me asking him to go down the stairs for the fourth time to get the specific thing our son wants this time. Ignoring the fact that I have the same cold he does, minus the immune system to fight it.

I know that he needs a break too. I know he’s tired. I know he doesn’t understand why I brought the boy into our bed in the early hours just so I could lie down myself while I got him back to sleep. I know he wants just one more hour. But I can’t help feeling let down by him, that he doesn’t see that my voice is disappearing yet again because I’m having to talk too much, and that my body can’t waste the energy it takes to go up and down the stairs over and over again.

I don’t know if he’ll read this and be annoyed that I’ve put it out there. I know he’ll feel bad about it. Because he sees me every Monday when I can barely drag myself up out of bed and realises it’s because yet again I’ve worn myself out over the weekend. I have to give him some credit too. I mean, right now, he is out for the afternoon with our son. He arranged a play date to give me time to rest, and I have been able to nap a little this afternoon. The trouble is, by the afternoon, I’m already worn out. The damage is already done. My voice is already gone, and I feel completely drained and that doesn’t actually go away again. And this week it really won’t because there will be no super post-chemo meds boost this week. It’ll just be me. On my own reserves, from which there isn’t much left right now.

My mum is going to babysit tonight, so we can both sleep tonight and both sleep in late tomorrow. I think that’s the only way I’ll get some rest, and by god, I need it.

and i’m stuck over on one side of our double, barely under the covers. but im not annoyed. i actually love it. i love the extra cuddles, the sound of him breathing next to me, his beautiful little face all angelic next to mine, his tiny hands holding onto my shoulder. it’s the best thing in the world.

i’ve missed him in so many ways the last few months. i spent most of October in the hospital, and i’ve had far too many days since beginning my treatment when i’ve been too exhausted to play all of our old games. i’ve missed all of the school runs, the tickle fights, the hide and seeks and trips to the park or soft play. i’ve missed playing along to his amazing imagination, making trails around the house, making dens out of the sofa cushions and blankets and hiding and finding treasure. i’ve been missing out on being the best mum i can be to my amazing little boy.

and so just now, in the middle of the night, when he shouted my name and woke me up and then whispered that he missed me, i picked him up and carried him to our room. to the big bed. to let him hold onto me, and to hold him back. to kiss his forehead as he snuggles into me. to reassure him that i am still here. i’m still his mummy. i still love him more than life itself. because he is my life.

i don’t care if my sleep is interrupted tonight. i don’t care if i don’t get to wear the duvet. if my leg sticks out of the side of the bed.

my only child is happy. and so, therefore, am i.