Is what I need.
The last few weeks of weekends have been a bit of a battle for me. I’m still on the steroids – just – on a very reduced amount. And so I can get about okay for the best part, and I’m completely alert all of the time. The trouble with this seems to be that it lull’s the other half, C into a false sense of security that I’m actually feeling like myself, when really, I’m anything but.
He see’s me up at 8am and thinks I’m good to go for the day, that I have the energy to look after our boy by myself; this being the boy that wants to be tickled and wants his breakfast bringing up to our room and then he has a cold, so I have to find the medicine. And C lies in the bed, eyes closed, ignoring my digs that he needs to wake up to help me out, ignoring me asking him to go down the stairs for the fourth time to get the specific thing our son wants this time. Ignoring the fact that I have the same cold he does, minus the immune system to fight it.
I know that he needs a break too. I know he’s tired. I know he doesn’t understand why I brought the boy into our bed in the early hours just so I could lie down myself while I got him back to sleep. I know he wants just one more hour. But I can’t help feeling let down by him, that he doesn’t see that my voice is disappearing yet again because I’m having to talk too much, and that my body can’t waste the energy it takes to go up and down the stairs over and over again.
I don’t know if he’ll read this and be annoyed that I’ve put it out there. I know he’ll feel bad about it. Because he sees me every Monday when I can barely drag myself up out of bed and realises it’s because yet again I’ve worn myself out over the weekend. I have to give him some credit too. I mean, right now, he is out for the afternoon with our son. He arranged a play date to give me time to rest, and I have been able to nap a little this afternoon. The trouble is, by the afternoon, I’m already worn out. The damage is already done. My voice is already gone, and I feel completely drained and that doesn’t actually go away again. And this week it really won’t because there will be no super post-chemo meds boost this week. It’ll just be me. On my own reserves, from which there isn’t much left right now.
My mum is going to babysit tonight, so we can both sleep tonight and both sleep in late tomorrow. I think that’s the only way I’ll get some rest, and by god, I need it.