right, i’ve finished moping for a little while now, i promise. while there have been a lot of things that have made me sad this week, there are small things – or maybe big things, i don’t know – that have made me happy this last week too.
1) i watched tv downstairs after 9pm.
it wasn’t the first time this had happened, obviously, but it was the first time i sat there and actually took stock of the fact that there i was, sitting in front of the tv catching up on the programmes i’d missed since august and i was actually feeling like it was a normal thing to do again. i mean, for months i’ve been going to bed pretty much as soon as our son had fallen asleep, and we’d have to watch tv on the small screen upstairs. it was a small sign that things have improved since i finished my treatment, and made me smile.
2) i put on music of my own accord for the first time in – i don’t know how long.
i used to listen to music all the time, but recently my heart just hasn’t been in it. i’ve listened to the radio in the car, or if C has something on, but i hadn’t been moved to put anything on to listen to of my own accord for ages. which isn’t like me at all. so getting my ipod and asking C how to work the Bluetooth speakers he got for xmas was another breakthrough in me being myself.
3) i’ve been playing with my son. this is actually a major thing.
i’ve not been well enough since August to play with him, to get down on the floor and play make believe, go on trails, build dens, swing him around. but this week i’ve done all of those things. i feel so much better for it, just seeing the look on his face, and getting the cuddles like he knows his mummy is getting better, coming back to him. it’s brilliant.
4) i’ve started writing again.
not just on the blog – though that has happened. but in personal journals, and a story i’ve been writing for a while. i’ve finally got space in my head and energy to pick up the laptop and do that again, which is great.
5) i’ve started to do housework again.
i know this wouldn’t be a good thing on most people’s list, but to me it means i’m getting a little of my independence back. it’s only loading the dishwasher, doing laundry, or running the hoover about a little bit but it means i’m not counting on and waiting for someone else to do it for me.
6) i’ve cooked actual meals. from scratch. amazing.
before i got sick we used to eat pretty much everything cooked from scratch. we didn’t own a microwave. but as i spent more time in hospital and couldn’t do that anymore, we’ve fallen into some bad habits as a family. too many ready meals and takeaways. not anymore though. i’ve taken back the kitchen!
7) i’ve been getting outside on my own.
i’ve not been going far, but Ii’ve been taking our black labrador out to the park at the end of my street and getting some fresh air, and just getting outside. i feel like i’ve spent months indoors, and i guess i have, only being outside on the walk to and from a car. so going out to the park with the trees and the grass and the cold and the mulched leaves and squirrels and birds has been lovely this week.
8) i danced again this week.
i don’t mean ballet or anything real or strenuous, i’m talking about the shuffles you do when you hear a favourite song and you’re making a cup of tea or putting away the washing. earlier this week, i caught myself dancing, and i was so happy about it i went to find C to tell him i’d been dancing afterwards and he was just as happy as i was.
so there you go. eight things that make me feel like i’m getting back to normal. eight things that make me smile. it’s the small things that are the big things these days I guess…