i have my six week check up appointment tomorrow, and i’m worried. my psycho-oncologist tells me this is perfectly normal, that a lot of cancer patients get this feeling of worry and dread when it comes to these appointments but it doesn’t make me feel any better. i still have pains, and the last week or so there has been blood – this time from my bowel albeit – but it’s making me more anxious than I’ve been letting on.
the appointment isn’t until the afternoon – late in the afternoon, so I’ve got the whole day to carry on worrying about tomorrow. C is going to come with me as support instead of my mum; the first time since my first appointment there. i know already that there’s no way they’ll be telling me i’m cured. i’m hoping they tell me it’s going the right way though. and i’m hoping they can give me some reassurance that the new blood is just part of the side effects of the radiotherapy treatment and not something new. because the thought that it’s a new instance is terrifying. i’m nowhere near over the first tumour yet.
one of the first things i was told when i was diagnosed with cancer was how important it is to have a positive mental attitude. that i should consider the treatment to be curative, that i should keep my mind on being strong and believe i’ll get better. i managed it while i was in treatment, while i had the different nurses and teams at The Christie telling me i was doing great. i’m hoping to get a top up on that tomorrow, because my supply is running low at the moment, what with the hot flushes and mood swings signalling the early menopause they promised me after the radiotherapy.
if i were a religious person i’d be praying for good news. as i’m not, i’m just going to hope for the best.