I’ve been itching to write something for the whole of my holiday and now I have the time to actually do it I don’t know what I want to say. It’s typical of me. I always want to do something when for whatever reason I can’t. Like I wanted to be making my jewellery the whole time I was in hospital in October, couldn’t get the thought of it out of my head. And now, even though I’ve gone so far as to even buy a kiln and bought more supplies, I haven’t made a single thing. And the de-cluttering. I was so in the mood to throw things away when I was bedridden, but now I have the time and the energy (the energy part is debateable) to do it I’m ignoring it as best I can. There is always something I have to buy first. To move first. To do first. And at the moment, it’s sleep. Okay, and watch Grey’s Anatomy. But mostly sleep. Actually, it’s not even to be asleep, just be in bed, all cosied up, not having to DO anything. Just doing the bare minimum I have to do in order not to get nagged when my husband gets home. I’m not entirely sure how healthy that is, physically or mentally. Maybe it’s something I should bring up on my Wednesday session with my therapist.
I’ve sort of been lying to my therapist. Not outright lies, I suppose. I’ve just omitted the fact that while I like being able to walk the dog, go to the supermarket, play with my child since the effects of the radiotherapy wore off, I also like to spend as much of the day as possible in my pyjamas in bed. I made a kind of breakthrough while I was on the Grey’s Anatomy marathon where I had to watch it downstairs, and I was getting showered and dressed, eating breakfast and dinner and everything. But now it’s gone off the On Demand menu and I have the box sets instead, there’s no urgency for me to have to watch it all day to get through it. No reason for me to have to spend all day downstairs where the neighbours can see me, no reason to have to get dressed properly again. And while I can’t seem to get out of this thing where I spend most of the day in bed, finding it comforting, it’s also annoying me that I had all that drive to do things while I was holed up in the hospital with nothing to so do but lie in bed all day for three weeks and now I do have the time, I’m wasting it.
I’ve wasted a lot of time.
I still have cancer.
When my three-month appointment was cancelled the other week, my very first thought was that they’d seen something on the scan and they needed more time. But I talked myself out of it, saying that if that was the case they’d have spoken to me about it at least. I started to think along with everyone else around me that it meant I was getting good news. That I’d beaten it, that maybe someone else who needed the appointment more than me had bumped me out of my slot. But no, that wasn’t the case. My gut feeling had been right, my scans and records had gone to back to the MDT and now I’m back in as a patient again. I have a new consultant who I’ll see on the 25th April to discuss the removal of the remnants of the tumour by way of a radical hysterectomy, as they would have in October had the tumour not been so big. Now it’s only 1-1.3cm in size and they’re going to operate on me. I guess this is the part where I wish I hadn’t watched so much Grey’s Anatomy the last few weeks.
I’m on my last day of a holiday today. I found out that I still had the tumour the day before we left and I guess it’s been hard for me to relax after that. I’ve been putting on a brave face as much as I can but I guess thinking of going home in the morning is making me think more of what I’m going home to. I need to get my act together. I need to start the things I want to finish. I need to get my house in order because after this operation I’m going to be tired all over again for between six to eight weeks and I’m going to be kicking myself again.
Though as the Queen of Procrastination, maybe a kick is what I need