One More Thing To Do?

I had a strange conversation with my therapist (she’s specifically a psycho-oncologist but ‘therapist’ will be easier to type for future reference) today. We talked over the last few weeks, because I’ve had to cancel appointments with her due to having to do other things like have CT-PET scans and CT’s with IV Contrasts and Examinations Under Anaesthetic, since my Oncologist found the tumour hadn’t completely gone. I’ve missed talking to her, missed the way she makes me feel like I’m doing ‘OK’. Missed having someone to vocalise my fears to. Today, we talked about whether I should write a Will. And it made me laugh, albeit nervously. Because I’m thirty-six years old, and in one of the possible outcomes of the next few weeks, I’m running out of time to write a Will. I think I’m still in denial about this, even though I keep mentioning it whenever me and C have an argument; that he can have his own way in a month’s time when I’m dead. I saw on the Macmillan facebook feed a few days ago, they were promoting writing Wills, suggesting which services to use, and which were discounted through them. I clicked through the pages, but I still didn’t feel the need to write one.

I don’t really know what this says about me.

Does it mean I am in denial? Does it mean I’m subconsciously optimistic about this? Or does it mean I’m just plain lazy?

I don’t know whether to put it on my To Do List or not.

My therapist says that if I’m wondering whether I need one, then I should probably write one. Just for peace of mind, or whatever. Even though it is a shitty situation for someone my age to find themselves in. I should listen to her, but it seems ridiculous to me still. I’m happy for everything to go to C and our boy. Anything C thinks my mum should have, or anything she wants, I’m sure C will be fine with. So what else do I even put in a Will? Am I supposed to say what kind of funeral I want too? Pick out songs? A venue?

If I start planning to die, then where do I stop?

  1. A few years ago, my husband and I both did wills. We’re in our 40s. There are so many good reasons to do it, least of which is, once it’s done, you can get on with the business of living. It forced both of us to put together information that either of us would need in case of death. I would also say that when people suffer a loss, they can make poor decisions or go at each other in ways unimagined while you are living. Doing a will doesn’t say anything about you conceding to cancer or planning to die – it says “let’s get this sh*t out of the way, so I can focus on what I need to do to kick this thing”.

    I think you will be glad when it’s done and I wish you well.

  2. My husband and I made wills when we married at 28. We made provisions for unborn children (I didn’t even get pregnant until 30) and talked about situations if they arised. Little did we know that I would be diagnosed w/3a breast cancer at 34. 15 surgeries later (and most with him holding my Living Will) I am still here, alive and kicking.
    My dad passed last year and he had left what he wanted at his funeral. It’s a hard thing to talk about I guess, but my family has always known what I wanted because when I was battling breast cancer, I wanted them to know ~ no flowers, instead funds to be donated to my children’s education (I had 2 sons by then), the names of who I wanted to read at the service, who I wanted to speak (if they wanted) etc. Somehow it made me feel better that I had some control. We can’t really control when our time comes, but sometimes it’s nice to know that at the funeral we can show what meant most to us. I even wrote letters to my sons telling them how special they were to me. Last year, I had 4 surgeries so it was a hard year and I wrote letters before every one so that the boys would have something written specifically to them in my handwriting. I have 2 phone messages of my dad’s still on my answering machine that I can’t erase b/c he says he loves me in them. It’s all I have left. Oh my, forgive me, I could go on and on. Bottom line, when you’ve faced death in the face and still are here you must enjoy your life as much as you can ~ write your will, write letters to those whom you care about so that they can carry a piece of you not only in their hearts and get back to living for as long as you have. Big big hugs to you xoxo ♥

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