I had a strange conversation with my therapist (she’s specifically a psycho-oncologist but ‘therapist’ will be easier to type for future reference) today. We talked over the last few weeks, because I’ve had to cancel appointments with her due to having to do other things like have CT-PET scans and CT’s with IV Contrasts and Examinations Under Anaesthetic, since my Oncologist found the tumour hadn’t completely gone. I’ve missed talking to her, missed the way she makes me feel like I’m doing ‘OK’. Missed having someone to vocalise my fears to. Today, we talked about whether I should write a Will. And it made me laugh, albeit nervously. Because I’m thirty-six years old, and in one of the possible outcomes of the next few weeks, I’m running out of time to write a Will. I think I’m still in denial about this, even though I keep mentioning it whenever me and C have an argument; that he can have his own way in a month’s time when I’m dead. I saw on the Macmillan facebook feed a few days ago, they were promoting writing Wills, suggesting which services to use, and which were discounted through them. I clicked through the pages, but I still didn’t feel the need to write one.
I don’t really know what this says about me.
Does it mean I am in denial? Does it mean I’m subconsciously optimistic about this? Or does it mean I’m just plain lazy?
I don’t know whether to put it on my To Do List or not.
My therapist says that if I’m wondering whether I need one, then I should probably write one. Just for peace of mind, or whatever. Even though it is a shitty situation for someone my age to find themselves in. I should listen to her, but it seems ridiculous to me still. I’m happy for everything to go to C and our boy. Anything C thinks my mum should have, or anything she wants, I’m sure C will be fine with. So what else do I even put in a Will? Am I supposed to say what kind of funeral I want too? Pick out songs? A venue?
If I start planning to die, then where do I stop?