So Birmingham finally got back to me and all the worrying I’ve been doing about having a massive operation, the full pelvic exenteration, has been for nothing. Because I’m not having it. Birmingham won’t or can’t do it – I don’t know the why’s or wherfore’s of it yet – but I don’t have to go into hospital a long way from home for three weeks plus to have everything below the belt removed.

I’m relieved about it. I think my husband is too. I’m not sure we’re supposed to be – because this does mean that I’m currently stuck with a tumour and at least one lymph node that has active cancer cells within it. But we’re relieved that I don’t have to go through this – especially over Christmas. And we’re not sure which part we’re happy about; that I get to keep organs that aren’t causing me problems; that I get to live without a colostomy and a urostomy for a while longer; or whether it’s just that I’ll definitely be home for Christmas this year, and I don’t miss my sons birthday in January.

I don’t know if my current calmness is going to be short lived. If this is only temporary relief. That as soon as the consequences of not having had this operation sink in I’ll freak out and go back to crying myself to sleep. I don’t know this yet.

I have an appointment on Monday morning at The Christie to discuss what happens next. I’m hoping for more rounds of chemo. For another blast at Paclitaxel, which seemed to do an awful lot after just one dose last time. Or something else which may work just as well.

I’m trying not to be annoyed at having been talked into this detour of a second opinion that has resulted in nothing except maybe my last course of treatment being… I don’t know how to word it… not quite up to par? I certainly think I would have been given an alternative to Taxol last time if they hadn’t thought they’d be passing me off to Birmingham… maybe that’s just paranoia, who knows. At least we went down the road, cross checked with another surgeon, and can say we tried to get the operation even though I was terrified of them saying yes to it.

I don’t know if the surgeon has just signed my death certificate with his refusal to take out the Cancer. But right now, and for the past few days, I’ve been happy. I feel so much more positive about kicking this thing than I have for months. I still have a lot of fight in me, and by the powers of Grayskull, I’m gearing up for round three.


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