Things are still going pretty well for me at the moment.
The biopsy I was worrying about came back negative for cancer cells, which is fantastic news. It means I can relax a little more. For the time being anyway. I’ve been told that I need to have an operation, the ‘diversion’ the doctors mentioned when I came round from the EUA in July. They want to swap the biateral nephrostomies with a urostomy. I panicked at first because I really don’t want to go into hospital and have to have another operation anytime soon. I asked them if it was urgent, and they said no, but that it should be done sometime in the next twelve months. They also want to make the appointment to swap out my nephrostomy tubes with new ones, I’ve had these ones in for longer than the recommended time. That will be any time in the next few weeks and I’m dreading it because I know full well it will hurt. But it’s not a full on hospital stay, so I’m okay with that.
The big news right now is that I’m going to be starting back at work next week. Yep, that’s right. Back to work. In a spur of the moment I called my manager and asked when I could come back, and went to talk to him a couple of days later – and here we are. A lot of people think I’m crazy (mostly people I work with) but I think it will do me some good. Get me out of the house. Get me active in the days. I’ll be interacting with more people, and I’ll have neutral things to think about. Things that will keep me occupied for hours without me actually having to worry about them and bring the problems home. The money will come in handy too. That goes without saying. I’m getting more excited and nervous about this as it gets closer. It’s not back to work as I knew it – it will be a long phased return, because there’s no way I could handle full time work straight away after this. And I’m worrying I’ll have forgotten too much. I’m worrying I won’t be able to concentrate enough to do the job I used to do. I’m worried I just don’t have the organisational skills to do it anymore. I’m also worried it will bore the hell out of me and I’ll regret giving up my wonderful days at home. Two years at home is a long time. I think I’ll miss having quiet time, me time.
I just think I’m trying to live a normal life again. I’ve been tagging along on more of the weekend outings instead of hiding away at home. I’ve been making the effort to see friends more than I have in a long time. And I think that going back to work is another piece of that puzzle. Another routine that needs to start back up again to make our family life more normal. I think that when I go back to work, it will be the marker that says ‘everything is okay’.
I’m under no illusions. I know that I’m not all clear, and that I probably will never be. But I’ve come this far without a new site cropping up. Six months since my operation. If I’m having scans every three or four months then I’ll be due next month or November and I’ll find out if I’m still getting away with it.
The longer I get away with it, the less chance there is of it coming back.