It’s Back.

I should have updated this a couple of weeks ago. Longer, really. But I’ve been busy for the last couple of months, and then, well, then there was the bad news and I didn’t much feel like writing anything at all.

I’ve been told that from my scan on 14th November, it looks like the cancer is back.

This wasn’t that much of a shock to me; I’d been tired again, I’d felt anxious about it for a few weeks too. It just hurt to hear it because everything and everyone around me had started to get on with a normal life. Including myself. We’d all sort of, put the last couple of years behind us and started to believe that this might actually be over. But, no. I’m not that lucky. Even when I lie in bed for a week chanting ‘I want to be cancer free, I want to be healthy’, as if the Universe is even listening anyway.

First thing to say is that if it’s back, it’s only small. Not properly measurable. Just back. Just there. And they don’t know how fast-growing it is. Or if any more new tumours are likely to pop up now, what with the first one emerging after over a year off from Chemo and my op in February. They (the doctors at the Christie) are going to rescan me in January and make some proper decisions then, they say. Based on growth, on what else turns up, and how healthy I am I guess.

I feel okay about it now. The results were given to me on Thursday 20th November. I cried for two days and then shook as much of it off as I could, went to a Charity Ball for Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust, and then went back to work on the Monday as though nothing had happened. I wouldn’t say I’m in denial, it’s just, you know, I don’t know what I’m up against yet. I don’t know what exactly to worry about. How hard to worry? I don’t know what to call it. So I guess I’m just not going to worry too much until I get those scan results in February.

I’m not sitting here doing nothing.

I saw a bowel specialist at the Christie yesterday who told me the oncologist I saw last time I was there had written a letter with recommendations. Chemo, Trials, Cyberknife. The specialist I saw yesterday also offered the possibility of an operation to remove it but only if he thought he could get a clear margin, which is understandable. But also nice to hear, that he’s going to take a proper look and see if there’s anything else he can throw into the mix in my MDT. And I’ve had a letter sent out about the Trials. We found four I’m interested in initially. We’re going to keep trying on that.

This is kind of short and sweet, but it’s the latest.

And I need more luck if you have any to spare x

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1 comment
  1. Sorry to hear that you’re dealing with bad news, but very impressed that you’re dealing with it in the most reasonable way possible in light of the fact that you don’t have all the information. Much luck and good news being wished your way!

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