I haven’t completely completed everything from my last two lists:




I’ve sent off my Student Loan Deferment forms. That should keep them at bay for another year (see, optimism again, thinking a year ahead!).

I’ve also done a fair bit of de-cluttering. We have our new wardrobes in the bedroom which give me more storage space for non-clothing items, but less space for my clothes in general – so a lot has made it’s way to the charity shop. The maternity clothes I had kept hold of went to my next door neighbour, who is about nine weeks pregnant. And I’ve gone through four years worth of Lucas’ clothes and given them away. Well, most of them. There were a few hold-backs for sentimentality, and a few things I’m going to try on EBay first.

So that just leaves the workshop. We still haven’t worked out what we’re doing in the back bedroom, and I still haven’t got a workbench in there; so the kiln is still in a box in the dining room. Waiting. Probably for a long while as I’m due to go into hospital for The Operation three week’s today.

I have picked up another hobby though, in the meantime: Sewing. Embroidery. Applique. whatever you call it. It happened by accident – I went on a course with the friend who got me through my chemo days by going with me to the resin making thing. She wanted to do sewing. I didn’t really, but I went along to keep her company, and came out of it really relaxed and with a new skill. It doesn’t take up a lot of space, it’s easy to get out and put away with a four-year-old hanging about, so I can see myself doing a bit more of it. Not to mention, it’s also less expensive than the silver-smithing.

That’s not to say I’ve given up completely on that though. I’m booked in in two week’s time to spend a couple of days in a silversmith’s workshop getting one on one tuition. I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve been waiting for about two years to do it – the cost was holding me back as much as fear of the unknown. And now I’m free to do it.

So. What’s new for my To Do List?

1) To create something. To make something, to start it and to finish it, before I go into hospital in three week’s time.

2) To have a good week off on holiday in Aberdovey. To play in the sand, hang out on the seafront, to do the things I couldn’t do when we went there towards the end of the summer last year, when I was too ill to participate, before I found out what was wrong with me.

3) To get my hands on a couple of short-sleeved, long-hemmed night dresses for the hospital.

And that’s it for now.


I’ve been itching to write something for the whole of my holiday and now I have the time to actually do it I don’t know what I want to say. It’s typical of me. I always want to do something when for whatever reason I can’t. Like I wanted to be making my jewellery the whole time I was in hospital in October, couldn’t get the thought of it out of my head. And now, even though I’ve gone so far as to even buy a kiln and bought more supplies, I haven’t made a single thing. And the de-cluttering. I was so in the mood to throw things away when I was bedridden, but now I have the time and the energy (the energy part is debateable) to do it I’m ignoring it as best I can. There is always something I have to buy first. To move first. To do first. And at the moment, it’s sleep. Okay, and watch Grey’s Anatomy. But mostly sleep. Actually, it’s not even to be asleep, just be in bed, all cosied up, not having to DO anything. Just doing the bare minimum I have to do in order not to get nagged when my husband gets home. I’m not entirely sure how healthy that is, physically or mentally. Maybe it’s something I should bring up on my Wednesday session with my therapist.

I’ve sort of been lying to my therapist. Not outright lies, I suppose. I’ve just omitted the fact that while I like being able to walk the dog, go to the supermarket, play with my child since the effects of the radiotherapy wore off, I also like to spend as much of the day as possible in my pyjamas in bed. I made a kind of breakthrough while I was on the Grey’s Anatomy marathon where I had to watch it downstairs, and I was getting showered and dressed, eating breakfast and dinner and everything. But now it’s gone off the On Demand menu and I have the box sets instead, there’s no urgency for me to have to watch it all day to get through it. No reason for me to have to spend all day downstairs where the neighbours can see me, no reason to have to get dressed properly again. And while I can’t seem to get out of this thing where I spend most of the day in bed, finding it comforting, it’s also annoying me that I had all that drive to do things while I was holed up in the hospital with nothing to so do but lie in bed all day for three weeks and now I do have the time, I’m wasting it.

I’ve wasted a lot of time.

I still have cancer.

When my three-month appointment was cancelled the other week, my very first thought was that they’d seen something on the scan and they needed more time. But I talked myself out of it, saying that if that was the case they’d have spoken to me about it at least. I started to think along with everyone else around me that it meant I was getting good news. That I’d beaten it, that maybe someone else who needed the appointment more than me had bumped me out of my slot. But no, that wasn’t the case. My gut feeling had been right, my scans and records had gone to back to the MDT and now I’m back in as a patient again. I have a new consultant who I’ll see on the 25th April to discuss the removal of the remnants of the tumour by way of a radical hysterectomy, as they would have in October had the tumour not been so big. Now it’s only 1-1.3cm in size and they’re going to operate on me. I guess this is the part where I wish I hadn’t watched so much Grey’s Anatomy the last few weeks.

I’m on my last day of a holiday today. I found out that I still had the tumour the day before we left and I guess it’s been hard for me to relax after that. I’ve been putting on a brave face as much as I can but I guess thinking of going home in the morning is making me think more of what I’m going home to. I need to get my act together. I need to start the things I want to finish. I need to get my house in order because after this operation I’m going to be tired all over again for between six to eight weeks and I’m going to be kicking myself again.

Though as the Queen of Procrastination, maybe a kick is what I need

a letter came through this afternoon from The Christie telling me that my appointment for tomorrow has been cancelled and instead i have one on the 4th April instead. two more weeks of waiting. it’s torture.

i’m going to have to get over my thing of not doing stuff before i find out what the Cancer situation is, because it could go on forever at this rate and nothing will ever get done. also, if it’s bad news i guess i won’t want or be able to do any of the things anyway, right?

i might need to make another new list.

i crossed two of the things off my last list.

i started on the HRT, and i completed my security clearance forms. i’ve been successfully cleared until 2020. i don’t know how i feel about that, it seems a long way off in my current situation. i guess it’s something to take up with my therapist.

i’ve not touched the kiln yet, and i’ve not done any more de-cluttering. the kiln, that’s been a ‘time’ thing. we need to get me a workbench before i set it up. Also, i knew that i would have wanted to make things if i set up the kiln and i didn’t want to go into the MRI with silver clay particles under my nails. the de-cluttering… i thought i was just being lazy, but the fact is, i want to see what the outcome of the MRI is on Thursday before i decide to keep a bunch of things i don’t need. i guess i don’t see the point of having to go through all of my things again, if the news isn’t good.

because i managed to cross a couple of things off my list, i’m going to add another couple of things:

1) Send off my Student Loans deferment form. i am sorry to say i still do not earn the minimum that would require repayment. this is both a good thing and a bad thing.

2) Go through Lucas’ things and get rid of the things that don’t fit him anymore. i might not be able to de-clutter my own crap out of some sense of morbidity but i can make room in his closets, no problem.

let’s see how i go with these this week.

i seem to have a never ending list of things to do.

here is a list of things i need to do before i go back to work:

1) get my workshop set up. i bought a kiln. just a little one – i used to make jewellery with PMC silver clay, and i always wanted a kiln to fire things with. i’ve had it for two weeks now and it’s still in it’s box, never tried. i’m itching to have a go with it but there’s nowhere to set it up and once it has been set up i don’t want to have to move it. so hopefully i can talk C into helping me out with turning the back bedroom into my workshop in the next couple of weeks.

2) do more de-cluttering. i started off pretty well about a month/six weeks ago. i cleared out some rubbish and i even started to get rid of the baby things. i started to get over the emotional attachment to the things we were saving for the second child i’ll never get to have. and then we had workmen in the house – fitting a new boiler and re-wiring the house and pulling out the old bathroom full of pre-diagnosis memories and putting in the shiny new one that will never see blood – and it stopped. there’s only one more appointment left now, one more day of builders encroaching on my plans. and then i can get back into the sorting. the shredding, the filling charity bags with things i’ll never wear and won’t miss. looking forward to it.

3) sort out my security clearance for work. i need to log onto some website to submit all my details. the link will run out soon. i need to get on with it. i think i will actually do this today because without it i will neither be able to do the job i did before i got sick or be able to get onto my office’s floor. which will increase my chances of being shifted into a new job there. sometimes i wonder how bad that would actually be though.

4) start on my HRT. i’m seeing the doctor today. i’ve put it off for as long as i could because i wasn’t sure about having artificial hormones. that was without understanding why i needed it though i guess. now i’m walking like a sixty year old and i creak when i stand up. hopefully the HRT will reverse this and re-enable my calcium absorption. i’ll miss the hot flushes though. it’s been a nice change to be the one person in the house who is warm.

5) start to look after myself. i’ve finally started to put weight back on after my treatment. so now’s the point where i start to eat better instead of eating all the full-fat stuff the hospital had me on, and can start to do proper exercise again. and take vitamins. and get proper sleep. and take the HRT.

it’s kind of like making resolutions, this. i wonder how i’ll get on.

this one isn’t about anyone’s health. unless you’re counting my mental health i guess – which you should – i am seeing a psycho-oncologist every two weeks for the foreseeable future after all. but anyway. this latest crisis is to do with space.

our house isn’t huge, but by ‘typical English’ standards it’s a pretty good living space. we own a Victorian terrace. not just a two-up, two-down, but one of the larger ones: entrance hall, two reception rooms, three bedrooms, upstairs bathroom, fourteen-foot kitchen, and sixty-foot garden out back. we have an attic too, which we could convert if need be (for a price). but somehow, with all of this, we don’t have enough space in our house for all of our stuff. i’ve realised the last week or so that it’s mostly my stuff that is the problem. i have a problem; i am officially a Hoarder.

it wouldn’t be so much of an issue if we didn’t need to get a new boiler. the one we have installed at the moment has to be at least fifteen years old, if not older. we’ve been told more than a few times that soon we won’t be able to get replacement parts for it, so we decided with the cold weather expected the next month or so to bite the bullet and get a new one. except when gas was plumbed into our lovely Victorian house, they plumbed it in with 15mm pipes. and modern boilers need 22mm pipes. this wouldn’t be a problem for normal people. pull up a couple of carpets and floorboards and refit the house with new pipes, job done. but it’s sent me into panic stations. as the pipes run through the whole house, front to back, every room will need to have the furniture moved and be de-cluttered – which roughly translates to me needing to go through eight or so years of accumulated crap to see what i need and what i think i need so we can move things for the builders. and it’s going to be painful.

it’s not as though i haven’t had to do this before. when we moved out of our last place, i threw bags and boxes of things away. but i think that’s where part of the problem probably lies. i’ve since spent days or weeks trying to find a specific thing, like a shirt, that would go great with that skirt i just bought, only to find it’s not in the vacuum packed bag in the attic, it was in the ‘to go’ pile when we last moved. so i guess since then i’ve become reluctant to throw away my things. just in case i need them at a later date. just in case i lose a bit of weight, or in case i need it for the zombie apocalypse.

i’m watching ‘Storage Hoarder’s‘ for inspiration. i need to work out how i’m going to do this. i have a ten day deadline. i’ll let you know how i go.