I have no new year’s resolutions for 2015.
Usually I have the same old bunch of plans; to lose weight, to eat healthily, to give up or cut down on chocolate. To do more exercise, to make more things, to do more things. To get a new job, to make more friends, to be more social. This year, though, I’ve nothing.
Having lost around three stone (23kg) as a consequence of problems after my operation in February last year, I don’t want or need to lose any more. I’m more selective about what I consume these days, and chocolate is something that I don’t need anymore.
I can’t do exercise anymore. I get too tired too easily and walking is hard, never mind all that jumping about I used to love when I used to do Zumba every week. I’ve acknowledged that I keep buying supplies and never make anything and so I’ve stopped buying supplies. I still have ideas of things to do, but no intention of building an Etsy empire anymore. I did sew a cross stitch picture for my Sister-in-law a few days ago, but the repetition of it left me unable to use my right hand properly until today – a side effect of the chemo I had last year. And I don’t really like going out anywhere anymore.
I’m stupidly lucky to have been able to keep the job I had before all of this started. I don’t go anywhere to be able to make new friends, and I don’t have the energy to see my old friends, never mind new ones. And my social life is down to the bare minimum.
I could make my old resolutions to put a positive spin on this, but my health and pain levels dictate what I’m able to do these days more than my will power does. I have the possibility of more surgery, or more chemo, or both, or worse in the next twelve months; starting anything new would be a waste of my energy.
The only resolution I want to make is to get rid of this cancer, and it’s the only thing completely beyond my control.